I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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