I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
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You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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