For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
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It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
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He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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