That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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