Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
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I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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