You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
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it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
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What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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