He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize