i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
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Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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