you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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