It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
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I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
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Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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