Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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