I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
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This house was built for laser tag.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
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She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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