I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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