i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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