apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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