we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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