I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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