when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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