I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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