Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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