Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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