I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
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He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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