i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
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you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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