I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
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Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
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We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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