between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
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There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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