I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
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We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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