I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
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Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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