guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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