Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
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Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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