I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize