You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He has the fingertips of a God
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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