I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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