Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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