After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
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thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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