also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
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Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
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The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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