i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't deserve a penis
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize