When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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