I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
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then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
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the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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