Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize