True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
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whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
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I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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