you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
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i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
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I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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