nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
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For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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