3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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