When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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