It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
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Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
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this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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