you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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