I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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