Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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