Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
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Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
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I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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