Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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